A Call from the Vatican Lyrics

Carla Guido...
I was lazing around my bedroom
When an idea occurred to me
I thought you might be wondering about,
Guido...

(NOTE. In the Broadway production, this was a subtly sugges
tive, highly acrobatic number. Without leaving the vicinity
of her box, Carla gracefully twisted herself into a variety
of positions, and at one point even sang while upside down.)

Who�s not wearing any clothes? I�m not!
My darling,
Who�s afraid to kiss your toes? I�m not!
Your mama dear is blowing into your ear,
So you�ll get it loud and clear,
I need you to squeeze me here ...
And here ...
And here ...

Guido seems in pain.

Luisa Is something wrong?
Guido What? Oh, I�m not sure. It�s about my film.
It�s from the Vatican. Go ahead, Monsignor.
Carla Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie coo.
I�ve got a plan for what I�m gonna do to you,
So hot you�re gonna steam, and scream,
And vibrate like a string I�m plucking �
Kiss your fevered little brow,
Pinch your cheeks till you say �Ow,�
And i can hardly wait to show you how, Guido
Who won�t care if you come to me tired and overworked?
I won�t! Bambino,
Who knows a therapy to beat what you can get from me?
I don�t!
But this will have to be enough for now, Guido, Ciao.
(speaking) I love you, Guido.
Luisa (noticing that Guido seems stunned) Guido...
You�ve handled the Vatican before.
Guido The Vatican? ... Oh yes, the Vatican! But before,
the Vatican didn�t attack until I�d finished a film!
What is it about me that the Church doesn�t like? What, what?
Luisa Guido, calm down. When are you supposed to start shooting?
Guido What�s today?
Luisa Monday.
Guido Friday. No, I mean really, this is no joke.
The crew arrives tomorrow.
We�re supposed to start building the sets, the props- what sets, what props?
You know something?
If I don�t come up with a very good idea very quick, my career is finished, done for, kaput!
(An idea strikes.) A Western!
(Guido, joined by Little Guido, tries out a Western motif with his �orchestra�)
Luisa Well, you�re in a lot of trouble!
Guido That�s not what I needed you to say!
Luisa What would you like me to say?
Guido Say, �Guido,, you�ve been in situations just as tough as this before!�
Luisa Guido, you�ve been in situations just as tough as this before!.
Guido Really! And how did I get out of them?
Luisa What�s my next line?
Guido I don�t know.
Luisa I don�t either.
Guido Oh my God! (Another idea strikes.) A Bible epic!
(He and Little Guido try out a Bible motif with the �or chestra�)
�Go forth unto that mountain, and there you will find an Academy Award!�
Luisa What�d you say that made her/him offer you this contract?
Guido I can�t remember. A documentary? (He decides to give that a try.) A documentary!
Guido�s Orchestra Kumbasa,,.0 Guido, Kulanumbaye!
Luisa (She, of course, does not see the orchestra.) You know what I think?
Guido (coming out of it) What?
Luisa I think you should take the day off.
Guido Luisa, I can�t! At this rate, in four days they�ll shoot me!
Luisa Guido, no one�s going to shoot you. What you need is to relax.
I know how you work.
The ideas have to come of their own accord.
Guido What if they don�t?
Luisa Improvise.
Guido Oh yes. Here�s one.
How about a film dealing with the last days of a director�s once: glorious career?
It takes place in a spa. At the end he shoots himself.
Luisa There you are! Flow simple.
Guido Oh my God!
Luisa Guido, we came here to relax. Trust nee. (softer, seductive tone)
I�ve ordered a picnic lunch.
Guido You�ve what?
Luisa Olives. Prosciutto. Some cool white wine.
Guido (touched) Luisa!
Luisa And I�ve rented a gondola for the day.
It�s enclosed in the� middle; With drapes on the windows.
thought we�d just kind of... drift around... see what comes up.
Guido (clearly turned on by her) Oh, Luisa!
What would I do without you?